TOTW is basically a segment where I write about my thoughts on certain things/topics to see if anyone out there think the same way as I do. Please also understand that these are just thoughts of a teenager who’s trying to share a piece of her mind to the Internet. Thank you for understanding & reading. 🙂
Have you ever felt like you were so different from everyone else that you stood out while growing up? Do you ever feel that right at this point in your life?
I know I did. I remember feeling like that all the time when I was in primary school. I remember feeling this way when I was in secondary school. Heck, occasionally I feel it now, even as I’m ‘enjoying’ my holidays. I have to say, it’s not exactly a pleasant feeling.
I remember back in primary school, when I was a lot younger, I didn’t like myself for feeling so different, for standing out from others. Maybe it was because I was extremely self-conscious back then. I disliked myself so much that I even started disliking my parents too. In my weird ass immature, childish brain, I hated my parents for bringing me up differently from other kids. Back in those days, I just wanted to feel accepted by my peers, I just wanted to fit in. Right now, thinking back to those days, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I fit in until I was in sixth grade, the final year of primary school.
I remember hating myself, my parents and the world and wanting to die, thank god I didn’t attempt at that. I remember hating classes, hating that I didn’t have many friends, didn’t have anyone to spend time with during recesses. I remember sitting at the curb of the parade square, staring at all the kids who were playing together in quite a large group, enjoying themselves while I was sitting there alone, waiting for the bell to ring so that lessons will resume. I remember feeling much better when I was having lessons because at lease I was there for a reason.
That was my childhood through the first three years of my life. The forth year was one where I don’t particularly want to remember much about, so I’m not going to try to dig through my mind to write them out. However, it all changed when I entered year 5 of primary school. Things got a whole lot better. I made really good friends, and I had a really good time. This good time leaked into my last year, although it was mixed with stress for the final examination that every student has to take before leaving primary school.
Thinking back at all these, I realized that my ‘childhood’ had been bittersweet. I knew back then that I was different from everyone and I viewed myself to be so weird that I kind of started hating myself. However, looking back at myself, I realized that I had been a fucking bitch when I was a kid. I was just a stupid kid trying to be a ‘know-it-all’ and trying to boss people around. I swear to god, if I were to meet my younger self, I’d punch the heck out of myself to wake myself up. I mean, no wonder everybody seems to hate me. I’d even punch myself in the face. But I see all of that now, but back then, I was too young to understand, to change for the better.
Why do I say that I was different from everybody else?
My parents brought me up differently. I don’t know how different, but up until this point in my life, I know that my parents have brought me up very differently from all the other people of my age right now. I believe I felt like I was like a bird in a cage then, that my parents were too strict to me. I believed that they were the reason why I was so lonely, the reason why I didn’t have many friends, the reason why I was so ‘miserable’.
A few years later, I started understanding. I understand that everything they do, they do it because they care about me, because they care for me. As much as I don’t voice it out a lot, I’m grateful for that, I’m grateful for them.
I guess… people really do change huh?
Well, what I just want to say in this is basically…. Why is it that you have to view yourself to be weird when you’re different from others? Why can’t you just see yourself as just… unique? After all, you’re the only person in the world who are you, no one else can replace you.
I just want you to know that even if you feel like you’re the only person who’s feeling this way, so alone and segregated, you’re not alone. There are many people who feel this way too and I believe that if you put in the effort to stop feeling so self-conscious and alone, you will come to terms with being with yourself and keeping yourself company. You will eventually come to terms that having too many friends may not actually be satisfying at all. You will eventually enjoy spending time with yourself, being grateful that you can tucked away in your little room, lying in bed peacefully in bed with a good book in hand while the rest of the world are in chaos of sorts. I just want you to know that being weird, may not be a bad thing. In fact, it may just be a blessing. 🙂