This is a very personal post, and well, I’m sorry if it offends anyone (though I don’t quite am able to see how). I hope it… helps you in some ways.
A lot of things have been blurring my vision these days. And yet, all these things holds no significance to anything whatsoever. In many ways, these things shouldn’t even be blurring my focus. And yet, here they are, distracting me from everything else.
Maybe it lies with the fact that I, myself wants to be thoroughly distracted. Thoroughly distracted by everything else so that I don’t have to focus on what Ineed to focus on. Maybe that’s where the problem lies – my reluctance to do something productive, to do something of significance.
But then again, I shouldn’t be at all surprised because frankly, this has been my problem all along. It’s a problem which has led to years of borderline passing of examinations at school, it’s a problem which led to endless procrastination, it’s a problem which led to my addiction to maplestory back in the day. It’s a problem that has existed ever since I was born, almost. And yet, it is only now that I’m truly acknowledging it.
But heavens knows, acknowledging it is never enough.
Just because I finally realize where my problem lies isn’t going to solve anything. Just because you’ve opened the closet where the problem was hidden doesn’t mean that the problem would just scramble away. In fact, the possibility of it eating you alive is actually much, much more plausible.
As I’ve mentioned in that impromptu “addictions” bit, this whole “lack of focus” thing, it’s the thing that keeps me distracted, the thing that keeps me in denial. It is the thing that takes the pain away, even if it’s just removing it momentarily. It is still better than nothing aye?
Except the fact that we’re forgetting just how toxic it is. Just because the pain is removed doesn’t mean that it would return. Just because we turn ourselves away from the pain doesn’t mean that it will run away. Pain doesn’t go away just because we ignore it. Pain will only truly, completely disappear when we face them, endure them.
The point I’m trying to make is that… I’m on the brink of giving up on being productive. “Holidays” does that to people, pull them out of motivation, drag them through the lazy mud and leave them there. It’s up to us to pull ourselves out of this toxic black hole and regain our passion, our motivation.
Last night, I’ve finally made that first step away from the toxic waste dump, out of boredom, actually. I figured that I should probably try to learn some skills for the Adobe software that my laptop came with. And, I have to say, it did strike much interest. Not to mention, it made me want to learn, because.. I would probably fail my modules badly if I didn’t do some background research and learning before the semester starts. Get my brains running, y’know, shake off the grass that has been growing nutritiously there.
If I’m able to just continue with this, I might just be able to finally be more knowledgeable before the new semester starts.