This might end up being a really pathetic post, because I’m not feeling very stable right now. Anyway, just remember that it’s just a teenager writing about her thoughts.
I’m not feeling very stable right now, as you can see from the title of my post. Well, when I talk about stability, I’m actually talking about emotional stability.
Oh yes! Before I start on my actual topic of the day, I’d just like to make a delayed dedication to my lovely mother who probably wouldn’t be seeing this… That you’re fucking amazing, you’re really the cornerstone of my life, and I’d be so lost and angry without you. Thank you mommy, and, just… Stay young forever. ^^
Back to the actual topic….
This issue has actually been happening for way too many fucking times this year. Actually, it hasn’t even been long since I’ve last felt this way and it feels really fucking shitty when I think about it. Because feeling so emotionally unstable feels like absolute crap. I’m feeling so emotionally unstable that I think I’m starting to worry my parents. LOL, it’s funny when they try to ask me what’s wrong because, I actually cannot give them an answer. I’m not even sure what’s wrong with me.
Have you ever felt this way? As if you’re deserted, insecure and lost? I’m sure you have, don’t lie to yourself. But if you don’t, fret not, your time will come… not so soon, I hope, it really does feel bad.
I don’t know, I hate this… unmotivated feeling. I really hate it, but when I try to sit down and do some revision, it doesn’t make me feel any better. Recently I’ve finally acted on my plans to revise by using ‘flash cards’. It’s not going that well, because I come to realise that these index cards aren’t cheap, and… it really is a lot of effort to make it work, because I need to use colors.. and we all know how I feel about writing notes in colors. They’re helpful, but extremely tedious. Either way, studying has never really been easy anyway. So, I guess, I shouldn’t complain about that. But… I should probably just… get the thinner index cards that the stationery shop sells. (I highly regret buying the more expensive one right now… But meh, it’s already been bought. Can’t do anything about that anymore.)
Honestly, I really don’t know what’s going in my head. For some strange reason, even in class today, I couldn’t focus during both lectures and tutorial. All I thought about was going home. And yet, when I got home, I felt even more dead. The only time that I felt slightly better was by watching the television. If you do remember, if I didn’t remember wrongly, I did write about how… watching TV shows keep me sane. (Speaking of which, there are so many season finales for me to watch! And I’m really in the mood for Sherlock.)
That was even worse though, because now that I’m done watching the movie (that was showing on the TV), I feel the guilt of not starting on my homework earlier. See what I mean?
And now that I’ve started on my work, (taking a little break here), I feel unmotivated at doing anything. The work as well.
You know what? Maybe I just need a change in environment to get things done? I don’t know, really. Tomorrow I’ll be having four hours of lecture, and two hours of sports, which happens to be yoga. So… I’m really hoping that I’ll be relaxed. Plus, I’m gonna be having TM meeting tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll have fun then. It is three hours after all.
Now that I honestly think about it, I really need to snap out of it. I have lots of things to be doing this weekend, there are just so many assignments due by the end of the month, if I don’t wrap my head around it, I’ll never be able to get A for all my modules this semester. So… I’VE GOT TO GET CRACKIN’.
I’ve been lazy for so many days that I’m actually pretty behind on my revision. And of course, now I’ve got to get to doing my assignments. Sigh, I really just cannot wait for term break, though that probably means more studying. At the same time though, it also means more time to meet with friends. I mean, like, seriously, I need to meet with Fiona. Gosh, so many things to talk to her about!
Right now though, I’m really just going to get myself working so that my brain just isn’t focused on what I’m feeling but instead what I’m reading. Where did all my focus from last week go to? Man it really sucks to be losing my focus. Fuck this shit. I’m going to get my awesome GPA. I am going to. There’s no stopping me!!!
I know that’s probably kind of scary, but… yeah. I need to get high to keep myself sane. So.