Sometimes.

I spend days after days watching a particularly spectacular television series and I lose myself in those days. Sometimes I forget to come back.

I forget what it’s like to speak to people other than myself.

I don’t feel like turning on the lights and just sit in the dark, doing nothing. 

I spend too much time with my thoughts. I end up forgetting to speak a little lighter, smile a little more, be a little nicer.

I forget that people come and go – getting frustrated at others for not being up to expectations, forgetting to cherish the times spent together with friends, forgetting to remember that these moments could very well be the final few before our graduation.

I forget that as nice as lying around doing absolute nothing productive is, I am still doing absolutely nothing productive and not helping with my life.

I forget to let go and stop being so uptight. Or I forget to be stressed out and remember that I’ve got so much at stake.

It hits me harder than usual that I’m almost moving forward to the next chapter of my life and I really need to start preparing for it.

Procrastination and laziness tends to get the better of me.

I just need reminders that: nothing will happen unless I do something.

Advertisements

Kites.

Friends are like kites.

You have to know when to let go and when you pull the string taut.

If you’re not a master of kite flying and you pull or let go of your kite at the wrong time… Your kite will fall as a result of it.

Isn’t that much like a relationship you would much have with your friends?

If you pulled too tightly or let go too much of friends, don’t friendships start falling apart as well?

That being said, the art of kite-flying is difficult to master.

Attempting and failing might just be the only way that one finally understand the best ways to fly a kite.

Though on the flip side, if you do become a master of kite-flying, wouldn’t you also be a master in manipulation?

Lately.

I don’t have much to share lately. There has been a lot on my mind. They’re not exactly what you would call pretty. 

Something happened along the way. I got more angsty, I’m losing my cool, I’m losing my touch. My melancholy is haunting me, and it’s slowly affecting relationships with my friends. 

Yet, I don’t know what happened that triggered this. I’m ashamed of myself, but I don’t even know what is the problem to solve. I don’t even know what’s the cause of this problem. 

Maybe there’s been too much negativity in my life. Maybe I am actively seeking out for positivity. But most probably, at the same time, I’m creating negativity to people around me. 

Maybe it’s the stress from trying to maintain the gpa, maybe it’s the insanity of the fast paced last semester I’m having in school, maybe it’s the stress that things are not going as planned, not meeting expectations. 

Maybe it’s just my expectations have increased while at the same time, my procrastination has as well. It’s not supposed to be a direct relationship. Productivity and procrastination is supposed to be an inverse relationship. And now the procrastination is winning. 

Maybe all these are just fucking excuses for my laziness and my guilt. 

But here’s what’s been up in these two weeks: 

   
    
    
 
And with these photos, I’m going to say: I’m officially take a hiatus here. I’ve ran out of words to say and I’ve got my grades to maintain.

The world needs my full attention right now.

And I’ll be back soon!

In the meantime, my Instagram will still be fairly active. 

Rain.

It’s been raining a lot lately.

The rain’s been affecting my mood.

It’s either bringing melancholy or irritation.

Melancholy because it’s so gloomy, and it suits my emotions perfectly.

Irritation because holding an umbrella under the rain is so troublesome. And it’s either holding an umbrella or getting soaked to the bone and potentially falling ill. Which was what happened to me two weeks ago. Also, the rain blurs up my spectacles. :/

Not to mention, the rain makes the air much more humid than it already is.

But the rain has always been a source of comfort.

I should probably refrain from being so easily irritated.

How should I go about that though? :/

Ps. I haven’t been writing much because, I really don’t really know what I’ve got to share.

Temperamental.

I just realised that I haven’t posted anything since my third year started. But then again, there hasn’t been much to write about in the beginning of the semester. Then the deadlines just arrived out of nowhere and it was just a mad rush to finish our assignments and revising for our term tests.

The last minute work has driven me absolutely insane, but it was all good. I survived, and I’m alive.

Lately, I’ve been really temperamental though. I don’t know what or how it happened but now it’s just so easy to tick me off. I’m really not happy about it though, making me all bitchy and shit. Sigh.

I’ve got to maintain dem crazy bitchiness.

That’s really been all.

I think I’m finally going to get out of the house, go and get some fresh air from the reservoir and probably get maybe two scoops of ice cream on my way back. Heh. I really need to get that arm band thing for the phone so that I can go out more without bringing the bag.

But finally getting a little more productive today, even though I merely cleared my desk and neatened up the bag area in my room. Highly considering getting a new shelf in my room now. LOL. Hope mom’s gon approve of it.

Until next time! Hopefully it wouldn’t be too long away!

Down.

I don’t know if it’s merely just my laziness acting up or I just really enjoy not doing anything in bed. It’s arguably the best thing I would like to do now. Just spend the entire day in bed doing absolutely nothing and staring at the ceiling. Or not.

I would probably get nagged at by my parents. And I would probably think that they don’t understand, that they will never understand. Or maybe they do, and they just refuse to because there’s 101 things out there for them to start on, for them to get through. And they push through the feelings of laziness and does them.

I still can barely understand why I’m always feeling so down. I still don’t remotely have a clue as to why I just don’t feel like doing anything even though exams/projects/etc are just round the corner; why I would rather just sit at the table and stare into space. I don’t understand how my motivation could’ve just walked out of the room, like I was given up on.

I give myself such high expectations, knowing that I can actually achieve them. And yet at the same time, I’m not acting as if I want to achieve them. There’s so much expectations from everyone, including myself, and yet I’ve wasted the entire day doing absolutely nothing.

I really need to get my shit together and start revising.

I also really feel like just drowning myself in the comfort of my bed and never get up.

I would say, “we can’t all have what we want”.

But we all know that it’s not true.

Emotions.

Have you ever wondered, what makes us humans?

Is it the ability to think? To be able to communicate with each other through a common tongue? Or is it the innate ability to feel?

If it was the ability to feel then… I’m siding towards not wanting it. Then again, obviously I’ve got no control over things like emotions.

Yet at the same time, how can the ability to feel be the one characteristic that humans exclusively possess? We’ve all seen posts of animals (especially mothers) being protective of their pups. That’s gotta mean that they have the ability to feel too right, the ability to feel like they should protect their children?

If that’s the case, isn’t it a little far fetched to say that humans exclusively experience feelings, emotions?

Quite honestly, sometimes I feel like feelings are detrimental and good for nothing.

But how, how can we stop feeling without losing our very identity, without losing our very selves?