Cafehopping Adventures.

This is unfortunately really delayed. The adventure from above actually happened a while ago. I didn’t look at the photos until some time later whoops.

How I went to these adventures, hehe, it’s a story on its own. It is definitely something I shouldn’t talk about because it wasn’t supposed to happen hahaha.

But I definitely had a lot of fun on this small little adventure! Oh, also, I had a really subpar brunch of Aglio Olio because the portion was so little. Sigh.

The adventure allowed me to enjoy how amazing Singapore is, plus a little blast in past during our adventure.

Hope you enjoy the photographs!

Twenty.

Coming of age of being twenty, I don’t know whether to finally feel alive or to be upset that I’m becoming an adult possibly without anymore guidance. I wouldn’t say that twenty years of life is a great achievement… But it is almost definitely a milestone that I’ve reached thus far. I hope you’re all wrapped up for a really long post! (#reasonswhyicaneasilywritea3000wordessay)

Here’s twenty things I’ve learnt and experienced thus far. I do not doubt that there are going to be some points that are similar to what I’ve written when I was eighteen, but trust me, these are the important points if they’re worth writing about twice. I’m not going to limit myself to the way we live outside of school, because school takes up a large majority of my life. My occupation is still, ultimately, a student. I’m gonna get real in this post though.

1. It’s okay to make the choice of wanting to be with friends and acquaintances sometimes. Perhaps you’ve spent the entire day or an entire week alone and you want to feel some happiness, talk to some people… It’s okay to reach out to others for a conversation.

2. Take the initiative. Be it wanting a conversation with a random stranger, or simply reaching out to a friend that you haven’t spoken to for a long time… Don’t hesitate and do it. You’ll never know what comes out of it at the end of the conversation.

3. Love yourself. Go have that pasta that you’ve been craving for, take a break from your phone and go to sleep. Take the time to catch the movie you want to watch, take a deep breathe and relax before embarking on your next task. Your mental health, I would say, is much more important than your physical health.

4. Go travel, unless you’re poor like me. Haha! What I mean is to go travel around your city, go to neighbourhoods that you’ve never been, go to town and feel like a tourist. We’re often trapped in our own lives of travelling back and forth from work/school to home, and we rarely deviate from there. Experiencing another neighbourhood may give your mind the fresh air that you need. Of course, the best form of travelling is still to travel to another country/city/state (depending on how big your country is).

5. Photograph scenes, video moments. I naturally do this as a person who enjoys photography. But of course, not everyone is interested in taking aesthetic photos. However, there’s nothing wrong with taking a quick snap of something nice that you see. Especially because, photographs and videos that you’ve taken on a trip (to anywhere) will be remembered not just by your memories but also by evidence of how much fun you’ve had. Videos when you’re travelling with friends and family especially.

Updates/Notice.

I’m writing this to give everyone an update as to what I’ve been doing, and why I haven’t written for months and months now. I tried scrolling through my blog earlier and realised that I barely posted in 2016, and I feel like I need to explain a little why that has been so.

I hope you’re ready for a ride because this post will be really really long. The type of long where I’ll warn first because I think it will almost definitely be over a thousand words. (Update: it is way over a thousand words. But please just bare with me yeah?)

1. What have I been up to in the time that I’ve been missing? 

My final year in polytechnic almost drove me over the edge. The modules were tough, the projects were tough, I had barely any time for games. Well, I guess I still did catch several movies here and there, hang around town a little. Of course, there are still several posts on what happened in 2016. Those were the fun times. But I spent most of my time doing work, revising or sleeping.

The latter half of 2016 after my school semester ended, I was actually out on internship. I was working at this real estate agency. The agency is basically a family business, and I don’t know if you guys know this. But family businesses are almost always the hardest place to work in.

I’m not about to pull out the bull that internship kept me really busy, so busy that I couldn’t take time to write a post. It wasn’t that I was busy. There are other reasons why I gradually stopped writing since then. I’ll come back to that with the next point. Right now though, I’ll have you know that the other reason is partly also because I’m lazy.

Contrary to what everyone believes, internship is actually really freaking tiring. I ended up at a company where my job scope is really super narrow. Honest to every freaking person in the world: by the end of my 22 weeks at the company, I felt like I did nothing other than read the newspapers. Thank goodness I’m somewhat a master of BS and I managed to spin rather decent reports and presentations for the internship.

With a little more free time from being at internship comes having more time to spend with friends, be it for dinners or movies. I’ve been there done that. I always look forward to seeing the ‘6:00′ appear on my computer on Fridays because why wouldn’t you go out on a Friday night right? (There are actually many reasons why, but please just humour me.)

So that was what I was up to for the last three months of 2016. The year ended with my family’s impromptu trip to Hong Kong (which is a freaking amazing city!!!)

2017 continued the internship that I was finally done with in February. Some other things happened as well, like my family going to Japan for Lunar New Year and my (finally) becoming a qualified driver. Right now I’m back to being stuck at my parents’ office because they are apparently short of hand. Though I’m really seeing other reasons why that is so.

2. Why did I gradually stop writing?

I’m just gonna shamelessly come out and say this: The very first original reason that I even started a blog (not this blog in particular, but a blog of my own in general) was because I wanted somewhere to rant. I was a really angsty, rebellious child when I was in primary school. And all I really wanted was an outlet to let off the steam that my classmates and family brewed. It didn’t really stop in secondary school either, if I didn’t remember wrongly. Back in the day, most of my posts were angry.

I’m really lazy to search back on the really old posts now, but I would say my posts back in secondary school (it was really SUPER difficult to find now because that was back in 2010) were generally more about my daily life/musings. So the blog kinda became like a public diary.

Graduating from secondary school and I guess looking back at the previous posts, I realised that I haven’t really been doing things right. So I changed it up a little more. I didn’t want to treat this blog like a diary anymore, because I realised ‘oh my freaking goodness, it is probably really not a good idea to let the world knows what you think about your classmates.’ Or at least, I really wanted to do that, change the content of my blog. But it has kinda already became a habit. Which is why there were a lot of posts in 2014. (scrolling through that has been hell.)

In recent years though, it wasn’t just about adopting “do not let people know who you are” but also “stop freaking complaining”. The latter being how I ended up with posts of musings, which is what the types of posts that you’ve been getting for a while now, rather than ‘what happened in the week’ (which was basically what TOTW was all about).

The real backing behind ^ is because I didn’t want to keep a blog that I will look back in 20 years down the road and be like “wow I was such a brat and I was complaining about every little thing that was happening. Such ungratefulness” or get really unhappy when I read the posts in the future because all that I’ve documented presently were all unpleasant stuff. After all, by then, whatever you remember is likely to simply be what’s kept here. It is quite unlikely that I’ll be able to remember everything that happened anyway. So keeping it as positive as possible will help future me live her life better.

So… the real reason behind why I gradually stopped writing… Nothing good has happened in my life, and I stopped reflecting upon incidents which also stopped my musing over life. I know, I’ve had a lot of musings in the past about pretty much everything – love, life, whatever – but that has really stopped after the work majorly kicked in and I barely even have enough time to sleep.

I couldn’t bring positivity to the posts, and I didn’t reflect upon things that I wanted to take on in my life… I stopped writing then.

3. So… What’s next for this blog?

I’ve actually been giving a lot of thought to the direction of this blog. As this blog dies down with lack of content, I have been considering switching things up here.

I have been considering opening a photo blog for quite some time now. The photos that I can post on Instagram without it looking extremely cluttered of old photos is starting to reach its limits. And I happen to end up being the type of person who doesn’t post the photos that I’ve taken on the very day itself. The photos are always backdated, especially photos I’ve taken overseas.  It is also because of this that I can’t post every photo I’ve taken anyway.

Hence, the solution of having a photo blog was formed. Photos taken from a specific place/country/trip can be posted in one post rather than many posts that clutters the Instagram profile. Snippets of how the photo happened might also be included, rather than just a simple caption.

I mean, really though, wouldn’t you like to see more of these:

It is most likely the direction that the blog would be heading towards. I highly doubt that I’m going to make it a full fledge photo blog… I highly doubt that I would completely leave writing altogether. It is highly likely that I will write random posts in between.

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To everyone who has stayed thus far: I’m really proud of you guys. I really don’t know how you’ve managed to read over a thousand words.

But this post has been long overdue and I finally decided it was time to pull the cord on keeping mum about things.

I’m really unsure as to how many people still continues to read this blog. I do hope that y’all existing readers continue to support because I’m really hoping that better quality content will be posted.

Feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you think about anything (really)!

I have another post planned, and it will be written and uploaded really soon! Until then!

 

Goodbye 2016,

Usually I write rewind posts for the entire year and start the new year with something else.

In the last few months of 2016, I’ve been losing touch with writing. And I’ve generally been writing a lot less of everything, not just on this platform.

This year’s rewind, I guess I’m just going to take the simpler route.

I’m just going to post a series of photographs taken throughout the year as part of the recap.

This is mostly because I’m in a dilemma of ‘move on from 2016 and look forward!’ and ‘let’s recap what happened in 2016 and see if it’s been a good year’. I’m just going to choose neither because photographs are a means to reminiscence as well.

I really do have to admit that 2016 has been an long and arduous year with so many things happening. It felt like a really long year that felt almost never ending.

So many people has said that 2016 has been a shitty year, but I think 2016 might have been one of the greatest years in my life.

Cheers to a better 2017!

P.s. I’m actually writing this in 2017. I didn’t manage to make it on time to write it before 2017 came around. But the sentiments have not changed.

Sadness.

Lately, I’ve been feeling one constant emotion.

I’ve been feeling sad. I’ve been constantly asking myself, “why the hell are you so sad for?”

I sat in a crowd, looked at nothing in particular, staring into space and feeling an overwhelming feeling of sadness. The type that makes me want to cry.

All I want to do is cry but the tears won’t fall. It wouldn’t even form at the brim of my eyelids.

All I feel is sadness.

And there is no explanation, no reason for it.

Strangely enough, one constant thought keeps coming back: the words of my physics teacher in secondary school.

He told stories – stories about morals, motivating stories – to his classes. A few particular ones stuck with me. And at this strange point in my life where all I feel is sadness, I keep remembering this one motivational one he ever told.

“When all in the world feels like it’s going wrong, when every problem seems to be unsolvable, when every problem plagues your mind like a malicious virus that cannot be removed….

Go for a walk outside.

Go walk around the neighbourhood, surround yourself with nature, with the city.

Go remind yourself that the world is out there and it has so much to offer, go remind yourself that the world is so large.

And ultimately, remind yourself that you’re only one small little speck in the vast universe. Remind yourself that because you’re just one small speck of particles, your problems are even smaller.

And your problems should not dictate your life.”

I don’t know, for some reason, this one really stuck with me.

Maybe I need a walk out there. Maybe what I need is a reminder of how small I really am.

Although, maybe that’s exactly what I don’t need. Because it’s a thought that goes through my mind every single day.

I don’t know what to do with all this sadness, I don’t know how to get rid of all this sadness.

Choices.

What do people really see when they look me in the eye?

Do you see the unexplained sadness that resides within me? Do you see the overwhelming anger at the world for its unfairness and ignorance? Do you see the content and gratefulness that I have for the selection of good food that I’m always not too far away from? Do you see the endless tiredness that resides in my eyes? Do you see the curiosity that is often lost to the world?

What do people think when they see these expressions on my face?

Would you think about the reasons why I’d be feeling sadness, anger? Or would you think that I’m just another attention-seeking teenager who’s just too ungrateful for all the good in the world?

Would you think that I’m an idiot and proceed to speak to me as if I’m a 15 year old, or respect that I’m still growing and learning and help with the process? Or would you think that I’m just another arrogant prick who thinks she knows it all?

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I believe that the things we see in people’s faces, eyes, expressions are only as far as we choose to see. Many a times, we choose to see but we choose not to observe. We choose to assume but we choose not to understand.

There’s always something to understand, there’s always something to accept.

But do we always make the choice of understanding and accepting? Do we always look beyond the initial repulse and understand what’s going on?

Or do we choose to expect the worst from everyone and be unhappy with the world?

The choices we make will continually define us.

Nobody.

I’m just a nobody trying to be somebody, trying so hard to fit in, to be a part of them, to leave something behind.

I’ve been wondering about how much I’ve sacrificed in order to be somebody, how much I’ve changed to be somebody, how many people I might’ve hurt to be somebody.

Because I’m starting to wonder: what is all of this really for? All these achievements, where are they going to get me? Where can they get me if I continue being like a piece of shit that I don’t even enjoy being?

Because I have been reflecting. I keep thinking, if I were to meet myself, I would not only dislike myself. I would probably hate myself. I guess, much like I already do now.

 

Maybe the key to ending this sadness, frustration and anger is to manage it and stop expecting it to turn good out of nowhere. Maybe the key to ending it is to stop and breathe. Maybe the key to ending this is to breathe, to stop trying solely to achieve but focus on working on myself.

Sometimes.

I spend days after days watching a particularly spectacular television series and I lose myself in those days. Sometimes I forget to come back.

I forget what it’s like to speak to people other than myself.

I don’t feel like turning on the lights and just sit in the dark, doing nothing. 

I spend too much time with my thoughts. I end up forgetting to speak a little lighter, smile a little more, be a little nicer.

I forget that people come and go – getting frustrated at others for not being up to expectations, forgetting to cherish the times spent together with friends, forgetting to remember that these moments could very well be the final few before our graduation.

I forget that as nice as lying around doing absolute nothing productive is, I am still doing absolutely nothing productive and not helping with my life.

I forget to let go and stop being so uptight. Or I forget to be stressed out and remember that I’ve got so much at stake.

It hits me harder than usual that I’m almost moving forward to the next chapter of my life and I really need to start preparing for it.

Procrastination and laziness tends to get the better of me.

I just need reminders that: nothing will happen unless I do something.

Kites.

Friends are like kites.

You have to know when to let go and when you pull the string taut.

If you’re not a master of kite flying and you pull or let go of your kite at the wrong time… Your kite will fall as a result of it.

Isn’t that much like a relationship you would much have with your friends?

If you pulled too tightly or let go too much of friends, don’t friendships start falling apart as well?

That being said, the art of kite-flying is difficult to master.

Attempting and failing might just be the only way that one finally understand the best ways to fly a kite.

Though on the flip side, if you do become a master of kite-flying, wouldn’t you also be a master in manipulation?

Lately.

I don’t have much to share lately. There has been a lot on my mind. They’re not exactly what you would call pretty. 

Something happened along the way. I got more angsty, I’m losing my cool, I’m losing my touch. My melancholy is haunting me, and it’s slowly affecting relationships with my friends. 

Yet, I don’t know what happened that triggered this. I’m ashamed of myself, but I don’t even know what is the problem to solve. I don’t even know what’s the cause of this problem. 

Maybe there’s been too much negativity in my life. Maybe I am actively seeking out for positivity. But most probably, at the same time, I’m creating negativity to people around me. 

Maybe it’s the stress from trying to maintain the gpa, maybe it’s the insanity of the fast paced last semester I’m having in school, maybe it’s the stress that things are not going as planned, not meeting expectations. 

Maybe it’s just my expectations have increased while at the same time, my procrastination has as well. It’s not supposed to be a direct relationship. Productivity and procrastination is supposed to be an inverse relationship. And now the procrastination is winning. 

Maybe all these are just fucking excuses for my laziness and my guilt. 

But here’s what’s been up in these two weeks: 

   
    
    
 
And with these photos, I’m going to say: I’m officially take a hiatus here. I’ve ran out of words to say and I’ve got my grades to maintain.

The world needs my full attention right now.

And I’ll be back soon!

In the meantime, my Instagram will still be fairly active.